(Text only)
(Narrator: Daren)
I stood with David in front of the core. It was an endless column of red light in the center of the world.
"Do you think you can kick him out?" David asked me.
I scoffed. "Yeah." I gave him a sideways smirk. "I can kick him out."
I pressed my hands into the core and pushed. The light around my hands turned sky blue. It resisted me and I put all my weight into it.
"Give it up Marco!" I shouted. "Reggie and David said I could!"
I struggled my way into the core and wrestled Marco for control. He was tired. It didn't take long for me to shove him out.
I woke up in the bathtub.
I say that but it's not actually like waking up. It's more like... fading into consciousness? It's a difficult thing to explain-- which is probably why most people don't try, but... I've always been deceptively thoughtful. Not thoughtful like I leave friendly sticky notes around the fucking house or anything. Thoughtful like.. I think a lot.
I like to think. And then I like to try and describe what I'm thinking about. Because if you don't do that then what's the point? Even if you just say it out loud to yourself alone in your bedroom. You have to put words to it. You have to give it language or it just slips away. It's just this abstract thing that floated through your head that one time that you didn't bother to catch.
Anyway, it's not like waking up. Going outside is... like replacing your memories with the memories of a completely separate life. You don't remember what was happening inside. The closer you get to being in control the less you remember, and by the time you're sitting in the driver seat.. you don't even remember that there was a whole world in there.
I took control of the body and became less a 'me' and more a 'we'. I remembered what Marco had been doing. I remembered that it was raining outside. No, no.. it wasn't like remembering. It was knowing. I knew it was raining outside. I knew what we'd been doing today, or at least I knew what we'd been doing in the past few hours. I replaced Marco seamlessly.
It wasn't like waking up.
I sat in the tub for a while longer. I wanted to soak in the feeling of existence for a moment before I actually had to contend with it.
I didn't remember the inside, but I remembered some of what my life was like in there. It was kind of strange, I guess. The memories I had access to outside were all the memories of what had happened to this body. My own memories, of my own life, had happened to a different body. My body. Not this body. I hated this body.
I stood up with a sigh and braced myself against the wall as my vision dimmed. That always happened. Something about the hot water, I think. Anyway I couldn't sit in there anymore. It was too quiet and my thoughts were getting too loud.
That always happened too.
I opened the refrigerator and looked at our food. I felt the pang of hunger in my stomach, but I didn't want to eat. Nothing looked like food. The thought of putting anything in my mouth made me nauseous. I closed the fridge.
I wasn't sure what I should be doing. There should be something I should be doing. We were in college. There was always something to do, but.. right now I was standing in an apartment that we had, until a few days ago, shared with our girlfriend. x-girlfriend. It was weird. I didn't even like her. I might even be part of the reason we broke up with her. Everyone else was just putting up with her jealous bullshit, but I wouldn't take it.
I came outside for the first time and I didn't know who I was but I knew I thought our girlfriend was a bitch. For the first week I just wanted to call her Bitch like it was her name and I had to stop every time and remember what her actual name was. I guess that got some of the others thinking. They'd been frustrated with her anyway.
I could feel everyone's turmoil out here. I knew how Marco felt. I still had some of his lingering emotions. I remembered how it felt when someone stepped up and finally did it. Everyone who had been outside since the breakup.. I could still feel how all of them felt. My usual state of existence was one of turmoil, so you can imagine how much I enjoyed that. Everything felt dark. My insides felt dark. Like there was this ball of rage and something else that was swelling and pressing against the inside of my chest. I could feel it in my soul and it made me want to tear myself apart.
I found our phone and put on some music. I turned it all the way up then held the speaker to my ear. The phone didn't go loud enough for my taste. I wanted to feel like the music was coming from inside my own head. I wanted it to vibrate my bones. If I had any money I'd have gone to a club.
As it was, there was booze in our apartment. Rum. I finished off the bottle and laid on the floor. Our memory of breaking up with Angie was vivid in my mind. It was stupid. Why the hell was I reliving this. I hated that bitch, but I relived this memory with a sense of anxiety I couldn't explain.
I couldn't explain it because it wasn't mine. I could feel Marcy around the edges flickering in and out like a ghost. When I was drunk it was difficult to remain solid. I was still here because Marcy didn't want to come out. She didn't want to be here. Things were uncertain, but she was sad and afraid so her presence pushed it's way forward.
I felt tears coming and I rolled over. My face pressed into the carpet. I began to sob. Then sobs became gasps, and gasps became heaves, and I dragged myself into the bathroom.
My throat burned and I couldn't breathe. When I wasn't throwing-up I was crying. When I had nothing left to throw-up I was dry-heaving.
I passed out on the floor and when I woke up I could feel Someone trying to force his way through. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to focus. I didn't want to go back inside. Sure I was miserable out here, but I liked having the body. I wanted to have the body. I didn't want to go back inside! I didn't remember the inside! For all I knew there was nothing in there.
My head jerked and narrowly missed the bathtub. David was trying hard. I braced myself against his attempts and against the pounding in my head. I was suddenly standing on my knees. I pressed my hands to my head and yelled, "Fuck off!!"
My head jerked again like I'd been slapped across the face and I fell out of the core. I stared up at the pillar of slate blue light until it was blocked by Reggie’s face.
"What do you want?" I groaned.
Reggie scowled at me. "We have an assignment due today, asshole."
"Ugh," I groaned again and rolled over.
"David’s out there handling YOU'RE hangover and finishing our assignment before class!"
"I was gonna do it," I muttered.
"You were not!" Reggie gave me a swift kick and I crawled to my feet.
"You know what, Reg!?" I poked my finger into her chest and glared at her, "I don't have to take your shit! I didn't ask to fucking exist! I didn't sign off this collage bullshit!"
Reggie laughed and knocked my hand away. "Don't give me that. I know you, Daren."
I took a step back. Reggie put her hands on her hips.
"You're smart, and you like learning things! Don't give me that crap!"
"You don't know me, Reg. You don't know shit about me. I don't give a fuck!"
I walked away from her and she called after me, "I was there when we were kids, Daren! I was there when she wrote your story down! When she thought you were a character she made up! I know everything about you!"
I stopped and turned back to her. "She was thirteen. I told her what I thought she could handle. You. Don't. Know. Shit. About me."
Reggie was silent as I stalked away from her. She was the one who kept tabs on everybody. She kept us in line. She got us help when we needed it. I knew it must be killing her to know that she didn't actually know what my deal was. That put me in a better mood.
I loved getting under her skin like that.
I walked until I could see my world in the distance. Then I stopped.
Everything. I stopped walking. Breathing. Blinking. Moving.
I didn’t remember what was happening when I left. All I knew was that I wanted desperately to be outside, and Reggie had been willing to let me. I thought about going back to the core and challenging David for control again. Everyone was already pissed at me. Reggie was probably off doing something else now.
I could get in no problem.
I tried to take a step back, but my body wouldn’t move. My head felt heavy and my eyelids wanted to close.
No. No! Shit! No! I’m not coming back! Not yet!
I willed myself to run, but nothing happened. I felt myself spinning and falling and then... I was out.